Dear Billy and Blake,
I recently shared HIJKevin w/ my roomie (who is a gay guy but not really comfy w/ that title ) & I wonder what tips you might have for me - if there's stuff I (& other friends) can do to help him feel okay in his skin?
And if you have tips for ppl like me (friends of gay men who don't feel so open, but I want to be reassuring & comforting, etc) - i'm all ears!
2010 Best Roommate Award Nominee
Blake: BRAN Congrats on the Nomination. I hear it’s quite an honor and that you don’t even have to go crazy like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. As for your question, it is a difficult answer because it depends on the person and the level of denial. Just as a note I am going to answer this from my personal experience as a gay man but I have heard similar things from bisexual guys and gals as well as lesbian women. So some guys, like myself freshman year, are just not out to our family and are working on our own identity. So we are ok with talking with friends about the cute boy we were making out with but we don’t want you to tell our mother!
Other guys are a little newer with their gay identity and need affirmation that it is ok to be gay but yet don’t want you telling the world. You have to respect this and move at their pace and not push your agenda (or your matchmaking skills) unless he wants it.
Still other guys we can perceive as gay and are either not out at all or not gay at all. This is a difficult thing to handle a lot of times. I mean to bring up the question of whether someone is gay or not is ok to do once. But asking time after time or responding with “Really?” when they identify as straight is quite gauche (your vocab lesson of the day... it means socially awkward). If they identify as straight or gay you need to believe them unless they let you know otherwise.
But with all this the MOST IMPORTANT item to remember is that you need to talk to him. See what he wants. Some people want to keep things secret, while others want to open up more. Everyone has their own timeline. I say open up the conversation and ask him what he wants. If he wants nothing then feel ok to drop the issue, but let him know that your door is open for him if he wants to change the arrangements.
However there are steps one can take to make a friendlier environment for people in general. Avoid using the phrase “That’s so gay” to describe something as stupid. I mean this is just proper etiquette Mary Poppins should have taught you when you were in boarding school in the countryside of Cambridge. But also be active in your vigilance against such phrases when you have company over or when hanging with friends. This shouldn’t be a thing you do because your gay roommate is there but hopefully it is the way you live your life. This also includes things like people making cat calls at two lesbians walking down the street, to proclaiming their disgust of Jack Harkness macking on some guy on Torchwood.
Another thing you can do is just learn more about the issues that surround his queer identity. This doesn’t mean you need to attend some anti-Prop 8 rallies or the Pride Parade, but you should learn where the LGBT resources are in your area or take an afternoon to Google and learn more about issues that concern him. Also you could take a SafeZone Training course. These courses are offered at a lot of universities as well as LGBT centers in different cities around the world. It’s a great crash course and I highly suggest it to people so you can also ask your questions and get answers in a live forum.
And finally remember that he is more than the token gay guy in the room. First off, no one likes being realized as just their token identity when they have so much else to offer. Maybe he rocks at Chemistry, or likes reading, rock climbing, computers, or sky diving. You have to see him as more than just the queer. Another thing is that he isn’t alone. Statically 1 in 10 people are LGBT so there are more people out there just like him than he realizes and even I need to be reminded of that from time to time.
Billy: …. *snore*… Hmm? Oh, my verbose colleague is finally done. Is there anything left to say? I guess I’d better write something so the boss doesn’t fire me.
So your roommate is gay, and not particularly comfortable with it yet. Old story, but every guy in that situation feels like he’s the first. Like no one else has gone through what they’re going through or can possibly understand. Typical of an angsty teenager reading Twilight, am I right?
How shall we make your friend more comfortable in his own skin? Sometimes I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I wear my sexuality on my sleeve, but sometimes I cover it up with a hoodie. This is perfectly acceptable. Gays are born actors; your friend shouldn’t have a problem with switching back and forth between straight-acting and full on queer when necessary. Is it ideal? No, but we don’t live in an ideal world.
I also suggest your friend figure out who he is. He can be gay, and still like sports. Or dislike shopping. Not every gay has to be gayer than the football team in a locker room. We’re not all the same; we’re a spectrum of difference just like every other group of people. Your friend should find where he feels comfortable and feel fine staying there.
Having said all that nice crap, I must now say that your friend should definitely have his ass dragged to a gay bar. Spin is quite nice. Every gay needs to go at least once, and it is high time your friend had his once. If he’s disagreeable, I have a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs you can borrow. I’ll help you deal with the kidnapping charges later.
This has been an episode of Billy & Blake: Bitchy and Besty. To submit a question to us please email us at billyandblake@gmail.com (no periods cuz we aren’t those kind of bitches) or at http://www.formspring.me/billyandblake Please write your name or Alias so we can best help you.
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