Hello everyone. If it’s your birthday, then happy birthday! I hope you’re asking for something good and not something really stupid or offensive. Cuz some people do that. “But Kevin,” you ask “Why in the world would someone waste their birthday wish on something stupid or offensive?” Well I don’t know. But I enter into evidence this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=o-Tsr7rz9Og
Dear Sara,
Good job little girl, you’ve successfully destroyed any hope I had for the younger generation. I’ve already written to Gay Agenda Inc. to convince them to stop converting you young’uns to gaiety. We’re just going to have to kill you instead. Don’t you wish you weren’t such an intolerable twit now? Well it’s too late. Our government sponsored death squads are already coming for you. (cuz our gay lobby is so powerful that we run the government)
Ignoring the fact that her little speech was so blatantly scripted it hurts, what the hell is she thinking? Yes, I get that homophobes don’t like us. But to wish for our defeat for their BIRTHDAYS!? Or tell their kids to wish for that for their birthdays? That’s insanity. Kids should wish for candy and unicorns and magic for their birthdays, not for their state legislature to vote no on gay marriage. I’ve arbitrarily decided that her name is spelled “Sara” because she doesn’t deserve the awesomeness of a silent H.
How would allowing us to get married make marriage not such a special thing anymore? How could we POSSIBLY destroy marriage? We want to join it. We don’t want to change it. Obviously Sara hasn’t been told about a special little place called Las Vegas. Or about people such as Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian. If those three things haven’t destroyed the specialness of marriage, I don’t know what will. I think that’s one of the things Gay Agenda R&D is working on.
But I do think Sara has got me beat on one thing. She obviously understands EVERYTHING there is to know about morality. She’ll have to teach a course on what’s right and okay when she gets older. I’m not really sure HOW she obtained absolute knowledge on morality. Maybe she memorized the Bible. I’ll just assume she’s talking about the Bible versus that discuss homosexuality. Except they don’t really. Homosexuality wasn’t a word when the Bible was being written. Those Bible verses mean something completely different when you replace “homosexuality” with “pedophilia,” don’t they? Although maybe Sara wasn’t taught the difference between the two.
Sara also claims that she doesn’t want to be affected by people’s choice to be gay. Ignoring the fact that many gays DIDN’T choose to be gay (including yours truly), I simply must wonder how she could be affected by gay marriage. She obviously has two very heterosexual (and homophobic) parents. Maybe they’re like the Bachmanns and she’s worried daddy is going to run off with the pool boy if gay marriage gets legalized. Tell ya what Sara: why don’t you ask a child that’s been raised by a gay couple if their childhood was all satanic rituals and blood orgies. As this video will show you, it was not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSQQK2Vuf9Q
Sara also informed us that she’s home schooled. Poor girl. One must wonder what her parents are teaching her at home. Obviously not tolerance and acceptance, but that’s okay. Jesus himself was quoted in the Bible as saying that many people don’t deserve love. Like the lepers and the prostitutes. Maybe Sara should refrain from telling everyone that she’s home schooled in the future, lest we all think of this video immediately afterwards.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Nr6RrD5c4
Although we should probably blame her parents for her lack of education, since they’ve taken it upon themselves to teach her. Maybe we could get them arrested for child abuse? Failing to educate a child should be a serious crime.
And I dearly hope that the man speaking at the end (probably part of the committee for which she’s testifying) isn’t being serious when he tells her “that was very good testimony.” How is that good testimony at all? She hasn’t said anything based on any legal principal. Her speech was quite obviously rehearsed, she didn’t even end it properly!
So Sara, have you learned about separation of church and state yet? Cuz I really think that would be a good thing to learn about before you talk about … well anything you just talked about in this speech. Good luck!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sushi Adventure
Let me tell you a story. There is an architecturally confusing building on my college’s campus. Only the front third of the building is easily accessible. No one is quite sure what’s in the back third, but there’s rumors of a demon run strip club and a gate to hell. You didn’t hear that from me. In this same building there is a cafeteria for the poor (smart?) dolts who don’t have meal plans. I have to change the name to protect the innocent, so I’ll call it Le Grille de Skinner. It has the usual crap grill fare as well as *gasp* sushi!
I love sushi. I used to be a super picky eater, so no one who knew me thought I would try it. Enter my aunt and uncle. They got me drunk, and then I was pretty open to trying any kind of food as long as it was food. Now I love sushi so much that even my sober self enjoys it. But cafeteria sushi? In a building that eats people who get lost inside of it? There is no way that is safe. I knew the sushi must contain several strains of zombie virus, and probably salmonella too.
But in honor of you, my dear readers, I decided that I would try it. And tell you ALL about it. And just in case there ARE ill effects, I’m writing this blog over the course of several hours. So, here we go.
11:30am I arrive at Le Grille de Skinner and meet my friend. We agree to buy two sets of 8 rolls each. We get shrimp tempura roll, eel roll, California roll, and spicy salmon roll. What could possibly go wrong? Initial tastes aren’t reassuring. Rolls are bland. Shrimp tempura is the best (my friend says eel).
11:45am My friend says she doesn’t like anything spicy, so I try the spicy salmon first. It is quite bland, so she tries it as well.
11:50am We finish the eel roll, the shrimp tempura roll, and the California roll. We both feel incredibly full. I feel slight discomfort, which I hope is more due to being too full than my body fighting off the urge to consume living human beings.
12:00pm I begin to feel sick of looking at the empty sushi containers (plus the two extra spicy salmon rolls), so I throw them out. Not a good sign. In other news, it’s snowing here!
12:15pm My friend and I both hope that the sick feeling in our stomachs is from eating too much. We’ve both eaten way more sushi than this before, but maybe we just weren’t that hungry this time…
Please let this just be a food baby.
12:30pm My friend and I begin joking about puking in someone’s office to get out of an assignment. Neither of us is sure if the other is joking or serious.
1:00pm After my friend left for a meeting, I head back home. When I arrive, I decide I should go to the gym. To sweat out the zombie plague. If I’m going down, so are all the fuckers with the misfortune of working out after me.
2:00pm End of workout. Sweated a lot. Running does that to you. To whoever used that treadmill after me, suck my zombie sweat.
2:30pm Nothing interesting happened.
5:00pm Ate dinner. Decided I might not have eaten death-sushi after all. Yay me!
I love sushi. I used to be a super picky eater, so no one who knew me thought I would try it. Enter my aunt and uncle. They got me drunk, and then I was pretty open to trying any kind of food as long as it was food. Now I love sushi so much that even my sober self enjoys it. But cafeteria sushi? In a building that eats people who get lost inside of it? There is no way that is safe. I knew the sushi must contain several strains of zombie virus, and probably salmonella too.
But in honor of you, my dear readers, I decided that I would try it. And tell you ALL about it. And just in case there ARE ill effects, I’m writing this blog over the course of several hours. So, here we go.
11:30am I arrive at Le Grille de Skinner and meet my friend. We agree to buy two sets of 8 rolls each. We get shrimp tempura roll, eel roll, California roll, and spicy salmon roll. What could possibly go wrong? Initial tastes aren’t reassuring. Rolls are bland. Shrimp tempura is the best (my friend says eel).
11:45am My friend says she doesn’t like anything spicy, so I try the spicy salmon first. It is quite bland, so she tries it as well.
11:50am We finish the eel roll, the shrimp tempura roll, and the California roll. We both feel incredibly full. I feel slight discomfort, which I hope is more due to being too full than my body fighting off the urge to consume living human beings.
12:00pm I begin to feel sick of looking at the empty sushi containers (plus the two extra spicy salmon rolls), so I throw them out. Not a good sign. In other news, it’s snowing here!
12:15pm My friend and I both hope that the sick feeling in our stomachs is from eating too much. We’ve both eaten way more sushi than this before, but maybe we just weren’t that hungry this time…
Please let this just be a food baby.
12:30pm My friend and I begin joking about puking in someone’s office to get out of an assignment. Neither of us is sure if the other is joking or serious.
1:00pm After my friend left for a meeting, I head back home. When I arrive, I decide I should go to the gym. To sweat out the zombie plague. If I’m going down, so are all the fuckers with the misfortune of working out after me.
2:00pm End of workout. Sweated a lot. Running does that to you. To whoever used that treadmill after me, suck my zombie sweat.
2:30pm Nothing interesting happened.
5:00pm Ate dinner. Decided I might not have eaten death-sushi after all. Yay me!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Warning: Your family may be offensive
Maybe you can help me, I’m rather confused. I’m very confused actually. People always say that gay marriage isn’t family friendly. And advertisements that feature gay marriage are OH MY GOD THINK OF THE CHILDREN IT WILL DESTROY THEM FOREVER.
How the fuck does that make sense? In what way is gay marriage not family friendly? Two people coming together to make their own family. Sounds pretty family friendly to me. Even if they aren’t planning to have kids! They’re each other’s family. But two men or two women getting married isn’t family friendly.
A group called One Million Moms is boycotting Macy’s because of an ad in a magazine showing a wedding cake. The wedding cake happened to have two grooms. And that means Macy’s is deserving of a boycott? I love Macy’s. I can’t afford to go often, but I love shopping there. I’m actually rather glad that they’re boycotting, they obviously aren’t deserving of the beautiful clothes that can be found at such a wonderful store.
Many of my friends come from a family. The ones that don’t are imaginary. They’re still pretty cool. One of my not-imaginary friends is particularly awesome. I won’t mention his name, but he totally has TWO MOMS! Too bad his family isn’t family friendly. It’s obviously destroyed him, he’s a pretty normal guy. And I’m not even gonna mention the guy that argued in front of a committee for gay marriage and his fucked up family. His lesbian parents aren’t internet appropriate and I certainly don’t want to expose my readers to that.
But clearly One Million Moms is (are?) right. Some families simply aren’t family friendly. Maybe the ones with alcoholic parents are a more appropriate target for their ire than families with two dads or two moms. Just a suggestion.
How the fuck does that make sense? In what way is gay marriage not family friendly? Two people coming together to make their own family. Sounds pretty family friendly to me. Even if they aren’t planning to have kids! They’re each other’s family. But two men or two women getting married isn’t family friendly.
A group called One Million Moms is boycotting Macy’s because of an ad in a magazine showing a wedding cake. The wedding cake happened to have two grooms. And that means Macy’s is deserving of a boycott? I love Macy’s. I can’t afford to go often, but I love shopping there. I’m actually rather glad that they’re boycotting, they obviously aren’t deserving of the beautiful clothes that can be found at such a wonderful store.
Many of my friends come from a family. The ones that don’t are imaginary. They’re still pretty cool. One of my not-imaginary friends is particularly awesome. I won’t mention his name, but he totally has TWO MOMS! Too bad his family isn’t family friendly. It’s obviously destroyed him, he’s a pretty normal guy. And I’m not even gonna mention the guy that argued in front of a committee for gay marriage and his fucked up family. His lesbian parents aren’t internet appropriate and I certainly don’t want to expose my readers to that.
But clearly One Million Moms is (are?) right. Some families simply aren’t family friendly. Maybe the ones with alcoholic parents are a more appropriate target for their ire than families with two dads or two moms. Just a suggestion.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)