Let me tell you a story. There is an architecturally confusing building on my college’s campus. Only the front third of the building is easily accessible. No one is quite sure what’s in the back third, but there’s rumors of a demon run strip club and a gate to hell. You didn’t hear that from me. In this same building there is a cafeteria for the poor (smart?) dolts who don’t have meal plans. I have to change the name to protect the innocent, so I’ll call it Le Grille de Skinner. It has the usual crap grill fare as well as *gasp* sushi!
I love sushi. I used to be a super picky eater, so no one who knew me thought I would try it. Enter my aunt and uncle. They got me drunk, and then I was pretty open to trying any kind of food as long as it was food. Now I love sushi so much that even my sober self enjoys it. But cafeteria sushi? In a building that eats people who get lost inside of it? There is no way that is safe. I knew the sushi must contain several strains of zombie virus, and probably salmonella too.
But in honor of you, my dear readers, I decided that I would try it. And tell you ALL about it. And just in case there ARE ill effects, I’m writing this blog over the course of several hours. So, here we go.
11:30am I arrive at Le Grille de Skinner and meet my friend. We agree to buy two sets of 8 rolls each. We get shrimp tempura roll, eel roll, California roll, and spicy salmon roll. What could possibly go wrong? Initial tastes aren’t reassuring. Rolls are bland. Shrimp tempura is the best (my friend says eel).
11:45am My friend says she doesn’t like anything spicy, so I try the spicy salmon first. It is quite bland, so she tries it as well.
11:50am We finish the eel roll, the shrimp tempura roll, and the California roll. We both feel incredibly full. I feel slight discomfort, which I hope is more due to being too full than my body fighting off the urge to consume living human beings.
12:00pm I begin to feel sick of looking at the empty sushi containers (plus the two extra spicy salmon rolls), so I throw them out. Not a good sign. In other news, it’s snowing here!
12:15pm My friend and I both hope that the sick feeling in our stomachs is from eating too much. We’ve both eaten way more sushi than this before, but maybe we just weren’t that hungry this time…
Please let this just be a food baby.
12:30pm My friend and I begin joking about puking in someone’s office to get out of an assignment. Neither of us is sure if the other is joking or serious.
1:00pm After my friend left for a meeting, I head back home. When I arrive, I decide I should go to the gym. To sweat out the zombie plague. If I’m going down, so are all the fuckers with the misfortune of working out after me.
2:00pm End of workout. Sweated a lot. Running does that to you. To whoever used that treadmill after me, suck my zombie sweat.
2:30pm Nothing interesting happened.
5:00pm Ate dinner. Decided I might not have eaten death-sushi after all. Yay me!
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