Dear Sara, (or is it Sarah?)

Hello everyone. If it’s your birthday, then happy birthday! I hope you’re asking for something good and not something really stupid or offensive. Cuz some people do that. “But Kevin,” you ask “Why in the world would someone waste their birthday wish on something stupid or offensive?” Well I don’t know. But I enter into evidence this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=o-Tsr7rz9Og

Dear Sara,
Good job little girl, you’ve successfully destroyed any hope I had for the younger generation. I’ve already written to Gay Agenda Inc. to convince them to stop converting you young’uns to gaiety. We’re just going to have to kill you instead. Don’t you wish you weren’t such an intolerable twit now? Well it’s too late. Our government sponsored death squads are already coming for you. (cuz our gay lobby is so powerful that we run the government)

Ignoring the fact that her little speech was so blatantly scripted it hurts, what the hell is she thinking? Yes, I get that homophobes don’t like us. But to wish for our defeat for their BIRTHDAYS!? Or tell their kids to wish for that for their birthdays? That’s insanity. Kids should wish for candy and unicorns and magic for their birthdays, not for their state legislature to vote no on gay marriage. I’ve arbitrarily decided that her name is spelled “Sara” because she doesn’t deserve the awesomeness of a silent H.

How would allowing us to get married make marriage not such a special thing anymore? How could we POSSIBLY destroy marriage? We want to join it. We don’t want to change it. Obviously Sara hasn’t been told about a special little place called Las Vegas. Or about people such as Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian. If those three things haven’t destroyed the specialness of marriage, I don’t know what will. I think that’s one of the things Gay Agenda R&D is working on.

But I do think Sara has got me beat on one thing. She obviously understands EVERYTHING there is to know about morality. She’ll have to teach a course on what’s right and okay when she gets older. I’m not really sure HOW she obtained absolute knowledge on morality. Maybe she memorized the Bible. I’ll just assume she’s talking about the Bible versus that discuss homosexuality. Except they don’t really. Homosexuality wasn’t a word when the Bible was being written. Those Bible verses mean something completely different when you replace “homosexuality” with “pedophilia,” don’t they? Although maybe Sara wasn’t taught the difference between the two.

Sara also claims that she doesn’t want to be affected by people’s choice to be gay. Ignoring the fact that many gays DIDN’T choose to be gay (including yours truly), I simply must wonder how she could be affected by gay marriage. She obviously has two very heterosexual (and homophobic) parents. Maybe they’re like the Bachmanns and she’s worried daddy is going to run off with the pool boy if gay marriage gets legalized. Tell ya what Sara: why don’t you ask a child that’s been raised by a gay couple if their childhood was all satanic rituals and blood orgies. As this video will show you, it was not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSQQK2Vuf9Q

Sara also informed us that she’s home schooled. Poor girl. One must wonder what her parents are teaching her at home. Obviously not tolerance and acceptance, but that’s okay. Jesus himself was quoted in the Bible as saying that many people don’t deserve love. Like the lepers and the prostitutes. Maybe Sara should refrain from telling everyone that she’s home schooled in the future, lest we all think of this video immediately afterwards.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Nr6RrD5c4

Although we should probably blame her parents for her lack of education, since they’ve taken it upon themselves to teach her. Maybe we could get them arrested for child abuse? Failing to educate a child should be a serious crime.

And I dearly hope that the man speaking at the end (probably part of the committee for which she’s testifying) isn’t being serious when he tells her “that was very good testimony.” How is that good testimony at all? She hasn’t said anything based on any legal principal. Her speech was quite obviously rehearsed, she didn’t even end it properly!

So Sara, have you learned about separation of church and state yet? Cuz I really think that would be a good thing to learn about before you talk about … well anything you just talked about in this speech. Good luck!