FEEL THE BURN

Oh gym stories.  They’re the best aren’t they?  I’ve been hitting the gym almost every day since the semester started, and may I just say that I have a FINE ass.  Anyways, last night my cousin and her roommate went with me.  My cousin, J1, ran on the treadmill with me while her roommate, J2, biked herself into shape.

At first I was excited when I saw that the “cool treadmill” was open, but then I realized that it was broken.  Sad day.  No touch screen control or built-in fan to keep me cool.  How depressing.  I move to one of the lesser machines instead, and we start our run.

My cousin and I recently ran a Turkey Trot (related blog post to follow) so we’re not in too bad of shape.  Of course, my brother’s girlfriend totally showed us up by a difference of 10 minutes.  Whatever.  That’s like a second.  Bitch.  I decide just to follow J1 and we start out slow and work our way up.  She had claimed that she wasn’t going to run at a 10-minute-mile pace, but she’s a total liar.  I think a little into our 2nd mile she had upped her speed to 6mph without telling me.  I always knew she was a skank.

I couldn’t let her show me up, but I couldn’t in good conscience let myself pass out on a treadmill at the gym either.  It’s bad form.  So I let her take the lead for a while, and slow down to a fast walk.  She slowly but surely pulls ahead.  I could tell her spirit was waning.  I only walked for about .125% of a mile, and then I sped the fuck up.  Soon enough she had to take a walk, and I thrashed her ass to 3 miles.  That’s right bitches, I won.  Again.

Afterwards we go to meet her roommate to stretch on the mats so we don’t feel like death the next day.  Conversation starts out fairly normally (for us, we’re all pretty weird) and then moves onto willing short-term transgender experimentation.  J1 and J2 both agree that they’d like to be men for a week.

• J1 “I’d be walkin up to hoes and sayin “Bitch suck me” and then droppin my pants”
• J2 “Yeah men totally get banged so much easier”
• J1 “I’d have a bus full of 72 virgin hoes ready to do my bidding.  I’d be one fine bro”
• *me laughing loud enough for the whole gym to hear*

• Then when I throw my hat in the ring saying that I wouldn’t mind being a woman for a week, they disagree.  Being a woman is SO HARD Kevin, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.  Whatever.  I already got the bitchiness down, what else is there?

• Me “If I were a woman I’d be one bangin’ ass bitch”
• *J1 and J2 laughing*

• After this the conversation turns a bit more depressing since it’s raining hard enough to drown a whale.  J1 and J2 live about 15 minutes away from the gym, while I’m in the very same building.  Sucks for you bitches!  Being a gentle-bitch, I offer them a ride home.  It’d be kinda pointless though, my car is 2 blocks away itself, so they’d be almost as wet as if they walked the whole way.
• We walk down the stairs together, and part before the womens locker room.  It’s so discriminatory.  We have a 10 minute conversation on which of us gets which hot characters from Supernatural.  I think I came out on top since I get Sam, teenage Dean, and pre-fatherhood John.  Hells yeah, the three finest asses on the show are MINE.