Dear Billy and Blake:
My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to give her. I want her to never forget the evening. Do you have any ideas?
Totally Useless
Blake: Well Useless you have called the right queens for this job. Welcome to Billy & Blake’s One Stop Shop for the Fabulous and Unforgettable Gifts. Let’s see we are fresh out of Amazing African Safaris…. Oprah and Gale took the last one… and we are plumb out of Beautiful Boat Trips…. You could go for the never forgettable carats, carats and carats…. But only if you mean to put a ring on it.
But seriously before we start this thing out right and get doves (they take so freaking long to plan for you have NO idea) Lets start out by starting out that you, sir, are NOT completely useless. I mean you remember your special lady’s birthday. That is quite an accomplishment for a straight man on his own, unless her mother, best friend and she have all been bugging you up the wazoo…. Or that you wrote this email to us the day of … in which case… well honestly my dear you are screwed more than the evil witch of the west in a downpour.
First off gifts need to come from the heart. This does not give you the right to be cheap so put away that macaroni and the Elmer’s. Second you need to have an open ear to it. Girls tend to drop hints… or their version of them. You just need to be smart enough to hear for it. Third, do NOT get her a gift that is ultimately for you. This could include things like a new Wii, Xbox, Video games, tool kit, or new boobs. More times guys want this instead of the girls…. Go figure.
So do something that you know she would like. This could be doing a romantic night out or in, a fun interesting date, a great gift, a hilarious gag (if that’s her personality). But honestly the best thing is that you remembered (especially if it’s on your own)
Billy: Hmmm, good question. Because two total strangers are more qualified to tell you what to get your girl than you are. Isn’t she supposed to be your SIGNIFICANT other? I mean, geez. I don’t even know the girl!
But I guess I’m required to help you with this. Lovely. Well I know what I want for my birthday. A dildo. I don’t know how good you breeders are in the sack, but a self-pleasure implement can never go wrong. Unless your girlfriend is a prude. Sucks for you!
If you’re uncomfortable with the boyfriend-sans-voice idea (that’s boyfriend replacement if you’re too dull to understand simple Latin), then I must agree with my kindlier colleague on the jewelry idea. Don’t go cheap though. The ladies (and myself) deserve a little something now and then for what we put up with. Such as this bullshit letter. I mean REALLY!
This has been an episode of Billy & Blake: Bitchy and Besty. To submit a question to us please email us at billyandblake@gmail.com (no periods cuz we aren’t those kind of bitches) or at http://www.formspring.me/billyandblake
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